


Some Nights

by supplimint



Category: Black Survival (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, Introspection, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Research Journal Background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 07:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16677502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supplimint/pseuds/supplimint
Summary: Shoichi occasionally has troubles sleeping. Or troubles with what he dreams about.(hi everybody, I procrastinated on my responsibilities because inspiration slapped me with my own hands until I finished this)





	Some Nights

**Author's Note:**

> The Japanese BS wiki has so much more character information. Apparently Shoichi's late wife's name was An.  
> I hope I handled the repetition thing well lol. As always, leave a kudo/comment if you liked this fic!

Some nights, he dreams about the first time his wife collapsed.

Some nights, he can hear the heart monitor’s erratic beeping and his panicked shouts for the nurses.

Some nights, An’s heart gives out in the middle of a date night, right when they’re talking a nature trail walk, or right when they’re on a paddleboat in the middle of the lake, or right when she’s told him to close his eyes because she has a little surprise for him (and it was supposed to be the bouquet behind her back).

Some nights, he’s holding Azuko close while she cries, confused and upset and all she knows is that mommy is hurting really bad right now and daddy can’t do anything except trust the men and women in papery clothes to fix it. Or he’s pacing outside the surgery wing while Azuko cries alone on the hospital bench. He can’t tear himself away from the doorway no matter how hard he tries.

Sometimes he’s in the surgery room with the doctors as she flatlines, and his eyes trace the heart monitor’s pulsing display. He hates the little thing, how it always tallied up An’s chances of living and impassively summed it to zero one day. He wishes that the sound would grow louder and louder until it feels like it would overwhelm and drive him to madness, like in the movies. He has to watch her lie stone still as if her death was a simple statement and not something that almost shattered their lives. Well, for the two of them, at least.

Sometimes Azuko comes out from the surgery wing, dressed in scrubs and a face mask, and tells him, “Daddy, mommy’s not gasping anymore,” and he’s never, ever had the courage to follow her to the room to see which outcome it was.

Sometimes he dreams of nothing, and he almost likes it that way.

Sometimes he lies awake and wonders if he should’ve been better faster, started doing hits earlier, and maybe he might have two people to kill for. Would that have been better? A mother and her daughter in the same hospital for the same disease, at least they could care for each other in his absence. Or would he have to choose one day who to save? Two sets of hospital bills needs a lot of hits, would he get caught first or die in his night job? Would they find out and would the money in their accounts run out before they were cured and would they cry, would they know how much he loved them would they think he was a monster would they blame themselves _-_   _stop it. Stop it._ And he lays there, listening to his own heartbeat, too afraid to sleep and too afraid to do anything else.

 

Some nights he’s angry, just so _fucking_ angry at this all. It’s not fair that his wife had it, it’s not fair that Azuko has it, it’s not fair that he’s playing the part of Rambo or whatever on an endless loop. He remembers the day when the doctor pulled in all three of them into her room to explain that Azuko tested positive for the heart defect. His family didn’t have a history of heart problems. An’s had.

He wants to shake her. _It wasn’t enough that she succumbed to her disease? She had to try to rope their daughter into it too? How long does he have to pay for the price of their love?_

He wants to hold her. _This isn’t your fault, Azuko’s still getting her treatments. I’m sorry I couldn’t do for you what I’m doing for Azuko now. I wish I could see you again. Could you ever forgive me for not being strong enough when it was just you and not her?_

Some nights she yells back that she wants to see Azuko again, too. Some nights she forgives him. Some nights she doesn’t answer.

 

He doesn’t daydream a lot - his nights make up for them and plenty more - but when he does, his mind wonders if An would have approved. When he’s exhausted, when he’s nursing a mangled limb, when he’s bleeding out and there’s no hope of ever winning the round and getting another check for Azuko, he can hear his wife.

 _How could you ever do this? You’re a monster,_ she accuses. Or,

 _I miss your smile._ And he tries to say _I miss yours too_ , but he doesn’t always have the tongue for it. Or,

 _You should have dodged._ Or,

 _Shoichi dear, you’re so brave._ Or,

 _Please hang on, baby, for Azuko._ Or,

 _I love you. Azuko does, too, I’d know._ And he fervently hopes that that doesn’t mean what it could. Or,

 _You can’t let Azuko know about this._ And he chuckles if he can and tells her he’s been very careful to keep it all hush-hush.

Sometimes he’s not coherent enough to stay in the present and his brain just replays old memories of them together.

Sometimes she just cries, and sometimes he lets himself cry with her.


End file.
